Sorry for the pause, but i've been distracted, i guess.
This month, August, marked the 10 year anniversary of my relocation to Los Angeles, CA. As i reflect, it has been bittersweet to say the least. Mostly sweet, but as i've gotten older i've felt things slipping.
(-ism Tour w/Camera Shrapnel Fall '07)
Right out of the gun, things don't feel the same, which is to be expected. Things change. I've changed.
i am in no way where i expected to be at this point in my quest for fame and social change or whatever, but for better or worse i am still here. i've had one career already that i've since tossed off like a winter coat in a raging brush fire for a stab at a much riskier one. The one i moved out here for in the first place.
The sixish years i put into TV casting couldn't kill my optimism or hubris about the eventual reality of working as an actor on the TVs and the Movies. Seeing a steady current of actors come in to read for us and watching many of them be average or even totally suck only fueled my belief that i could do this. In truth: it's really not that easy, and it's not any easier when you're a bearded, pierced, balding hipster.
"i should have kept with it when i was younger," is my constant mental soundtrack. "i'm too old for this shit now." "It's more competitive than ever even though there are more outlets for content." "You should move to Atlanta, NY, or somewhere you can do theatre and make a name for yourself there."
"Never be the first in line to shit on yourself in this town," i try to tell myself, but God DAMN is it hard.
Maybe it's my fault though. Because i don't carry myself with the same carefree nature of a 20-something anymore. Just like Agent Mulder looked very different in the 6 episode X-Files event season that came out last year from the idealistic FBI rogue we first fell in love with back in the '90s. With age comes perspective and skepticism... (yes i'm totally fine using the fictional character Agent Fox Mulder as a basis for comparison here.) i wonder what it is i think i have to lose... what is holding me back?
Some of the change comes via the fact that i have just been exposed to more than i had been a decade ago. Some also comes from having to let go of God. i realized the more time i spent away from the culture of the Christian church the less sense it made, and the more fabricated it felt. No disrespect to my friends who still subscribe and participate, but honestly stepping away opened up my eyes a lot more than being in the church ever had. To clarify: i'm down with the concept of being accepting and selfless toward everyone who is not you, but we all go to sky palace hallelujah camp after we die? That i just can't buy.
i saw Erwin McManus, lead pastor at Mosaic, drive his convertible Porsche into the underground parking structure at L.A. Live/Staples in DTLA and thought to myself, "Fuck this shit." It rubbed me all the wrong ways bc what i saw that night looked nothing like the persona of Christ i heard about from many people along my spiritual odyssey, including him. The problem is not a luxury sports car and basketball tickets, but more what they represent. The need for things. i'm not asking Erwin to be a monk, but maybe i expected more... or less i should say. That wasn't the singular moment that killed it totally for me, but it didn't help either.
The death of Monkey Butler was a nail in that coffin too. i made my exit from teaching officially before the church laid its most promising ministry to waste, and ultimately the Monkey's leaders took the fall for them.
Then i read "Under the Banner of Heaven" and everything made sense. When you see the recorded moves a charlatan made to gain and hold onto power as well as steer the reigns of people's minds you really see evil at work. Fuck Joseph Smith, and every sap who has ever used his made up b.s. for their own gain or in the name of their Lord.
The one thing i do miss is hope. That's the biggest thing Christianity has going for it. Even if i can't believe it to be true anymore there was something magical about hope. That's everything the gospel hinges on. Hope that everyone will be great and serve each other, hope that God will give you great "blessings" for being faithful, and hope that the afterlife will be amazing.
All that to be said, when i realized i'll be dirt when i die it really changed how i dialogued with my own inner voice, and gave me a kick in the ass and a NEED to make sure i did something with my short life.
This city has changed a lot too...
Weed is pretty much fair game, finally.
We have things like Uber and Lyft now... that's great for jobs, and a responsible and somewhat affordable option for people to find a way home when out having a weekend... or a Tuesday.
Airbnb showed up, and is probably causing more harm than good in our fair city where i see homelessness very visibly growing, especially in Downtown L.A.
i've lived in the Valley, NoHo specifically, the entirety of my L.A. life. I've now watched the inauspicious knickknack shop and small house theatre filled sanctuary turn into the premiere destination for pie seekers and recent college grads whose parents like to pay their rent.
i really feel like an old person when i'm looking around the world, my world, and think things like, "what the hell is music anymore?" i see kids walking around in Def Leppard, Metallica, Guns N' Roses, Poison, Nirvana, and Iron Maiden tees that trendy fashion store X is hocking knowing full well that they have never listened to any of "...And Justice for All", don't know which came first Nevermind or In Utero, and guaranteed have never seen any of these legends in concert. And i am the one who feels out of place wearing this reprinted Nirvana tee even though i was cherishing every lyric recorded from Kurdt's mouth closer to when he was actually living than any of these kid's first birthdays are in relation to his last breaths back in 1994. (This is just me feeling entitled, but it was an observation i had that i thought was worth mentioning.)
Just a few years ago i recall seeing Flobots at the Key Club on Sunset. Sadly the Key Club is nothing like it's former self. And that is just one example of how the landscape of the music scene is changing and rock and good live music seems to be on its deathbed.
i'm not going to even get into politics bc none of this is why i'm actually writing in this blog for the first time in SIX YEARS. i stopped bc in the social media fuckfest of today i began to see an ocean of voices spouting copied predictable feelings and opinions that were either devoid of fact or just pointless, and that silenced me. i didn't want to be another proclaimer of vain information.
i feel like i lost my voice, and my sense of self despite the fact that i have a steady income and am responsibly participating in the longest running healthy relationship of my adult life.
So what now? Who am i a decade later? i am still finding out. i should probably go to therapy... Maybe i'll be able to squeeze that in soon. i'm pretty stubborn though so i'm not holding my breath.
i've decided for now to remind myself about what i love about myself by posting a little something everyday for the next month. To celebrate relationships formed and goals crushed during my time here in the desert of fame and misfortune, and to stoke a more fervent thankfulness i think i have lost somewhere along the way.
So to start. i want to thank David F. Escobedo for taking in a newcomer to L.A. and making me feel like family. Camera Shrapnel was something i needed and felt alive in, and sadly also took for granted.
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